1000 Ways To TD Die
by TitanWolf
Summary: Do I really need to explain?
1. Guns, Bikes, and Sausage

1000 Ways to TD Die

Chapter 1

**DISCLAIMER I OWN NOTHING!**

"**WARNING** The deaths portrayed in this show are real and extremely graphic.""The names have been changed to protect the identities of the deceased.""Do not attempt to try ANY of the actions depicted."_**"YOU WILL DIE!"**_

"Death...is everywhere. Most of us try to avoid it; others can't get out of its way. Every day we fight a new war against GERMS, TOXINS, INJURY, ILLNESS, and CATASTROPHE.""There's a lot of ways to wind up dead. The fact that we survive at all is a miracle, because every day we live, we face **1000 WAYS TO TD DIE**."

Duncan had just been released from Juvie again. You'd think after three years in the pen would scare a teenager straight, not Duncan. In the span of five minutes out, he'd already picked several pockets and made away with three wallets with cash adding up to 900 bucks. That would be enough for any normal crook; but our old pal Duncan isn't a normal crook.

While walking down the street one day he spied an old lady walking down the sidewalk from him. Being the sly guy that he is Duncan knows the old battleaxe must have cashed in her security check and was now carrying around a cool one grand. Reaching into his pocket, he runs his hand over the gun he swiped from his parole officer's car.

When the old lady stops and turns our friend with no morals ducked behind a tree. After several seconds, the old lady moved on. Duncan follows and watches her enter a store. Reaching into his pocket, he pulls out a ski mask, and then his gun from the other. He figures robbing the old broad, AND all the shoppers in the store PLUS the register would have him set for a few months.

Pulling the door open, he ducked inside.

"This is a stickup!" he shouts, waving his gun. The five people inside turn to face him and Duncan finds five guns pointed at him, looking around he notices all the pistols and rifles on display. "Oh shi-"

That all he got out before the five opened fire. Bullets rip and tear into his body, penetrating vital organs and causing them to bleed out. The old battleaxe he'd followed in here is packing a 32.20 Colt revolver; the rifle cartridge hits him in the throat, destroying his larynx, and sends him sprawling to the floor. He chokes to death on his own blood.

Way To Die #89 Greased Is The Word

Lindsay is a beautiful, kind, and hot dumb ass. Her DD's make up for her lack of brain cells, some would find that insulting; but Lindsay hasn't a clue. A girl with her statistics would really get off by being pumped full of man meat. to have her boyfriend pounding into her every hole he could get at would get them both off.

Un uh, not Lindsay.

The only way this blond bombshell gets her rocks off is by riding a crotch rocket. To be more specific, her boyfriends motorcycle. They would go riding up and down the desert highway for as long as it took. She'd hold onto him as the rumbling of the bike sent shivers up her spine.

The bike to her felt like a 500-pound vibrator between her legs, causing waves of pleasure to rock her body. In the heat of the moment, she'd reach up and squeeze her tits with one hand while holding on to Tyler with the other.

Eventually the vibrations of the bike hit their peak, and Lindsey was loving every second of it. Soon she would start moaning, this would be the time Tyler would get pretty excited. Let her pop her weasel off here, he'd get his when they reached his place. Soon Lindsay reached her climax and when she started to convulse with pleasure she let go of Tyler.

That when her boneheaded boyfriend gunned the engine.

The ditzy blond tumbled from the bike and hit the unforgiving blacktop at better then 65 MPH. her arms shattered, and her ribcage collapsed in and skewered her vital organs. Not to mention her brain was turned to mush by slamming against the sides of her skull.

Way To Die #432 Coming And Going

Cody was tired of being laughed at by women, not because he was a scrawny nerd, that time had passed. They laughed at him when he dropped his drawers. You see Cody suffers from a common disease known as Micropenis.

So the next time he went clubbing Cody brought along some help. Entering the bathroom and finding an empty stall our hopeless friend bought a 12 inch Kielbasa and a surgical tube and proceeded to tie the sausage to his upper thigh.

Talk about desperate.

Going out into the lights and the pumping music Cody started dancing up a storm. In a matter of minutes the girls were rubbing up against his body, pressing their pert breasts against his chest, while rubbing the sausage in his pants.

The night passed by hour by hour and our man Cody was the most popular guy in the club. His plan had worked, the girls were crazy for him. But then things started going down hill like a runaway freight train.

He started sweating and found his leg started seizing up. The pain climbed from his leg and moved north until he collapsed to the floor. His makeshift tourniquet caused a clot in his artery, by the time he realized it his heart had stopped pumping.

Way To Die #510 Kill Basa

END CHAPTER 1


	2. Worms, Food, and Snails

1000 Ways to TD Die

Chapter 2

**DISCLAIMER I OWN NOTHING!**

"**WARNING** The deaths portrayed in this show are real and extremely graphic.""The names have been changed to protect the identities of the deceased.""Do not attempt to try ANY of the actions depicted."_**"YOU WILL DIE!"**_

"Death...is everywhere. Most of us try to avoid it; others can't get out of its way. Every day we fight a new war against GERMS, TOXINS, INJURY, ILLNESS, and CATASTROPHE.""There's a lot of ways to wind up dead. The fact that we survive at all is a miracle, because every day we live, we face **1000 WAYS TO TD DIE**."

Sadie is, for a lack of a better word, fat. She tried everything to lose weight, the cabbage diet, the grape fruit diet, and even the chocolate diet. But nothing seemed to work for her, until one day.

"Katie, I think I'm on to something," she said to her friend over the phone. "I ate tapeworm larvae."

Yes, you heard her right, tapeworm larvae.

In her struggle to lose weight our pudgy friend ordered tapeworm larvae from Brazil. The little fella hatched in her stomach and ate everything Sadie ate. Soon she'd lost weight like water off a ducks ass.

"Katie…. I don't…. feel…. Good," she muttered weakly. "Lost…. 60.… pounds."

The tapeworm in her gut grew to over twenty feet in her large intestine, unheard of in other cases of people with tapeworms; but those people got theirs removed before they got this big, and laid eggs. From there the parasites spread throughout her body.

"So…. Tired," Sadie mumbled, passing out and dropping the phone to the floor. As she lapsed into a coma the worms started to get hungry, and started eating her alive.

"Sadie, hello are you okay?" Katie asked, but it was too late, Sadie was gone.

Way To Die #734 Die It

This is Justin, he's a supermodel, his body has been seen worldwide. Right now he's feeling a little less than super. Living out of a suitcase, empty hotel rooms. His life of glamour is a full time grind, and the worst is the constant dieting.

In his world, if your not thin, your out. What's Justin's secret, he starves himself. To make matters worse he's fallen into a pattern of extremely destructive behavior. Bulimia

"Room service,"

"Yes, room service?" he asks.

"Yes this is room service what can we send up?"

"Everything," he replied bluntly.

This has become a common ritual for Justin, each time it's a love and hate struggle for food. In the end the compulsion to binge always wins over. By stuffing himself with every dish imaginable Justin hopes that the empty feeling will just go away.

Because of his fear of gaining weight Justin isn't planning to digest any of the food he shovels into his mouth. Your stomach can hold up to 160 ounces, any further and boom. Before Justin could jam his finger down his throat to induce vomiting his cycle came to an abrupt end.

His stomach ripped, and all the bacteria from the food spilled out into his body, causing his heart to stop.

Way To Die #892 Gorgeous Gorge

We've all been on bad dates but Gwen and Trent are at death's door because of the date from hell, and it all started in the kitchen. All Trent wanted was to get into Gwen's pants, if he could impress her with his culinary skills he'd be home free.

Though he couldn't boil water he had a plan, all he needed was a bag of readymade salad mix, and a surprise ingredient.

"Just trust me, yes they're snails, or as the French say Escargot," he said.

Gwen had put a lot of raw things in her mouth, but snails. But since Trent acted like he was the Iron Chef, she was impressed. Or dumb enough to trust him.

"Ok, one two three cheers," they said together, sucking down the first of several snails.

"It's not really that bad," he said, smiling past the awful taste.

When Gwen and Trent ate raw snails, parasites called Cantonese Blood Worms entered their circulation and settled in their brains. There the worms began to make a meal of their brain matter. A week after their snail sushi Gwen and Trent developed crippling headaches and severe nausea. They checked into a hospital and were now teetering on the brink of sanity and death.

"Oh by the way… I'm gay," Trent admitted through the haze of painkillers. "The only reason I hooked up with you is because you have the chest of a 12 year old boy."

"I hate you," she replied.

"I hate…" his heart monitor flat lined and he was gone.

It was too late for Gwen to grasp she was dying for trusting a wannabe metro sexual. And all she had done was eat his salad.

Way To Die #622 Brain Worms

END Chapter 2


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